Television, the Final Frontier
by Mara Greengrass
Summary: Jack makes sure that SG-1 relaxes...in his own special way.


TITLE: Television, the Final Frontier  
  
AUTHOR: Mara Greengrass  
  
AUTHOR'S EMAIL: fishfolk@ix.netcom.com. Feedback is better than chocolate.  
  
PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Sure, just let me know.  
  
CATEGORY: Humor  
  
RATINGS/WARNINGS: G  
  
SUMMARY: Jack makes sure that SG-1 relaxes...in his own special way.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I'm making absolutely no money from this.  
  
NOTES: This piece of fluff was written to celebrate the opening of YeahSureYaBetcha, AnaP's friendly new SG-1 community at http://www.ana-p.com/stargate/forum/index.php. No flaming or character bashing will be allowed, but if you want to talk about Stargate, come join us! BTW, I usually hate these kinds of fics, so I can't believe I wrote one...  
  
* * * * *  
  
The sun was down by the time they arrived at Jack's house, streaks of pink and orange the only signs of the departing day. And what a day it had been: shooting and punching and misunderstandings. It didn't precisely qualify as a stellar day in SG-1 history.  
  
"I still do not understand the meaning of this ritual," Teal'c said, his frown deepening slightly as he settled into his favorite chair in Jack's living room.  
  
Jack tossed him a bottle of juice, which Teal'c caught with his usual unconscious skill. "It's fun."  
  
"But you do not appear to even like this television program."  
  
"Of course I do!"  
  
Daniel and Sam wandered into the room, still arguing, and Jack pretended to throw beers at them. Daniel jumped but Sam just rolled her eyes and went on with her point. "But DS9 had much better characterization!"  
  
"It wasn't Trek. If it doesn't take place on a ship, it isn't Star Trek." Daniel sank down on the couch with a wince for the bruises left from their most recent mission. Jack opened a bag of Cheetos, watching him out of the corner of his eye, but the pain didn't seem to be bad enough to warrant dragging him back to the base or forcing him to take the drugs he'd refused earlier.  
  
"Daniel, Daniel." Sam sighed dramatically as she sat down next to him on the couch. "Why do we keep you around?"  
  
"Because he knows how to swear in more languages than we do," Jack interrupted.  
  
"Right. That's it."  
  
Daniel took the beer Jack handed him and passed it over to Sam, ignoring the byplay. "When does Enterprise start?"  
  
"In a few minutes," Jack said, checking his watch. "Everyone got their snacks ready?"  
  
"Hold on," Sam said, jumping off the couch. "I forgot the popcorn."  
  
"Popcorn? You brought healthy snacks to Enterprise night?"  
  
"For throwing at the screen, sir."  
  
"Right. Carry on."  
  
While Sam dashed into the kitchen to toss the popcorn in the microwave, Jack clicked on the television, muting it quickly to avoid a loud and annoying Mazda commercial.  
  
Daniel was single-mindedly working his way through a bowl of nachos and dip, so Jack turned to Teal'c, whose scowl deepened. "C'mon, you know you love this, buddy."  
  
"It is not the show that is the problem, O'Neill. It is unrealistic, yet strangely enjoyable. It is your own behavior. Why do you spend most of your time shouting at the screen?"  
  
Jack groaned. "That's part of the fun of watching Star Trek, Teal'c. You've gotta catch all their mistakes and stuff."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because...just because. It's a crazy human custom, okay?"  
  
"If you say so."  
  
Jack opened another beer. The cold, yeasty liquid sliding down his throat took away the harsh taste of explosives, which had been lingering for hours.  
  
"It's a good question, Jack, why *are* we watching this show?" Daniel looked up from his drink, face a bit drawn.   
  
"Because I made it an order, that's why."  
  
"Can you *do* that?" Sam asked as she came in, balancing plastic bowls of popcorn.  
  
"Sure I can."  
  
"I'm fairly certain the Air Force regs don't say anything about making your team watch Enterprise."  
  
"You just didn't read them closely enough." Jack threw a potato chip at her.  
  
"Oh, you don't want to start that. Last time, you ended up picking food out of your couch for months."  
  
"Fine, I'll save it for the screen."  
  
Just then, the commercials ended and the screen faded in on a shot of the bridge of the Enterprise, under attack.  
  
Daniel covered his eyes and moaned. "Seatbelts! Seatbelts!"  
  
"Remember, we established last month that seatbelts were lost during the Eugenics War." Sam absently handed Daniel a bowl of popcorn.  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
The group was quiet for the rest of the teaser, but when the theme song came on, Jack was rummaging in the pile of snacks. He looked up in alarm and yelled "Mute! Mute!" as he stabbed at the remote.  
  
Teal'c turned to look at him. "I find the music rather pleasant, O'Neill."  
  
"Yeah, Jack, it's not that bad." Daniel hummed the tune. "'It's been a long road, getting from there to here--'"  
  
"Quiet." Jack pointed the remote at him. "There will be no singing."  
  
"Fine." Daniel shrugged and reached for a pile of papers on the coffee table.  
  
"And there will be *no* working. You know the rules."  
  
"C'mon. Not even a little translation during the commercials?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Daniel crossed his arms and sulked while Sam tried not to laugh.  
  
"The show has returned."  
  
Jack unmuted in time to catch the beginning of the scene. "'Captain, it's an incoming plot complication!'" he yelled.  
  
Pizza arrived during the next commercial break, and their comments were muted by the intervention of cheese, pepperoni, and mushrooms. The Enterprise encountered another alien race, to quiet mutters of "bumpy foreheads" and "not a very alien culture."  
  
The aliens offered the typical invitation to visit their planet.  
  
"Oh. My. God. They're going to an alien marketplace and they didn't take Hoshi. What's the point of having a linguist on board if you don't bring her along to translate?" Daniel leaned back on the couch and groaned.  
  
For once, Jack didn't have a snappy retort, since he was frowning at the screen as well. "And they brought the chief engineer to pilot the shuttle? Shouldn't he be...engineering things?"  
  
"Well, I would certainly think so, sir."  
  
Things went wrong, as they always do, and various characters chased each other through an obviously fake city.   
  
"Why can't the security officer hit the broad side of the barn? Man, if I shot that badly, I'd...well, I'd be dead several times over. Geez, he shoots worse than Daniel."  
  
"Shut up, Jack."  
  
A new character showed up and saved the day, tempting the Enterprise with news of the aliens they were pursuing.  
  
"For crying out loud, a *baby* would've known that's a trap. Do the people who make this show think the military picks the names of its captains out of a hat?"  
  
"Apparently, they do not have a high opinion of military intelligence," Teal'c said, raising a haughty eyebrow when his three companions all choked on their drinks.  
  
On to the obligatory shooting match, with a technological solution from Trip.  
  
"But photons don't *do* that!"  
  
"Shut up, Carter."  
  
Major plot points out of the way, the scene dissolved to T'Pol's quarters and Jack, Daniel, and Sam all groaned.  
  
"Why does the Vulcan woman always take off her shirt?" Teal'c asked.  
  
"Ah, a question for the ages."  
  
"What does that mean?" Sam turned to look at Jack, forehead wrinkled.  
  
"It means he likes to look at her breasts."  
  
"Shut up, Daniel."  
  
The closing scene was Archer speaking to his Starfleet boss, trying to defend their obviously indefensible actions. "Hey..." Jack squinted at the screen, "does Admiral Forrest look just a little like General Hammond to anyone else?"  
  
He shrugged when everyone just stared at him. "Okay, so it's just me."  
  
The episode ended with a brooding Archer staring out the window at the stars.  
  
Shutting off the television with a flourish, Jack turned to his team. "Well, boys and girls, what have we learned this evening?"  
  
Daniel put his empty plate on the coffee table. "Never put all your officers in one shuttlecraft."  
  
"Most problems can be solved with the suitable application of photon torpedoes and bad dialogue," Sam said.  
  
Everyone turned to look at Teal'c. He considered the blank television screen, pursing his lips.  
  
"Humans are very strange." 


End file.
